The true meaning of 'friendship'

I've always believed that it's for the best that you keep people at an arms length. This way you don't get hurt too much.

I was asked how big my social circle is and if I was able to post a 'Read More' post, I'd stick it up there. But since I'm rather inept at Tumblr, I'll explain here and link it up, it saves a nervous breakdown for all parties concerned. :)

As some of you will already know, I am an identical twin (The lass with the black hair who I hang about with all the time if you've seen photos), her name is Natalie, but everyone calls her Natwee. Apart from a certain few and they know who they are, Nat's probably the greatest friend I could have. She and a certain few have been the least judgemental, the most kind and sincere and the most honest people I know.

But this isn't what I am talking about, I'm going off on one again. I do apologise.

I've never had a good track record with people who I thought were my friends, such examples include a girl who blamed me for her failure at college and another person who hurt me by lying to other people about who I am. I ran away from 1 person and the other I had hurt myself badly because I felt horrible and like a monster, because she convinced friends, staff and many people that I was some sort of horrible psycho. I still harbour feelings like this today. I feel that I will never be good enough, that I'm wrong, that I'm never going to be the normal person that people wish me to be, that I'm just plain ugly inside. Apparently those around you can influence how you act and how you feel, and these people made me feel horrible on the inside. It showed on the outside too, I didn't wash up, I got bruised up and just ended up in a bad shape.

I don't think I ever did recover properly from those incidents. I still have a stupid amount of hang ups and my self esteem is pretty much shot to shit. I can't tell people how I feel, in case I get hurt or if I end up making more enemies than friends.

I know this isn't the most cheerful reply to an ask drop. But sometimes it's a good idea to explain things.